SUBTROPICAL MANIFESTO
Pre-election Proposal
The Unregistered All-People's Movement 'Subtropical Russia' proposes:
1. In the field of radical climate reform:
A). To approve by referendum (under the scheme "Yes, Yes, No, Yes") and then introduce, by decree of the President, a year round temperature of no less than 20 degrees across the nation
B). To acknowledge, by decision of the Constitutional Court, the temperature of boiling water at fifty degrees, corresponding to the legislation of the Russian Federation
C). To raise the proof of vodka to the same degree by decision of the Council of Federation. To overcome the possible veto of the president with the help of an experimental sample of fifty proof vodka called "Chernomyrdin" (another variant: "Byelopypin")
2. Energy
After the establishment of a subtropical climatic regime, 'GazProm' will be sold to Greenland. The acquired riches will be paid to the members of the government from 'Our Home is Russia' as a severance pay.
3. Protection of Monuments
A). To rename the V.I. Lenin Mausoleum, the House of the Merchant Ipatev. The mummy of the lawyer Blank will be recognized the remains of the royal family and buried in a ditch on the Manezhnaya Square. Fanny Kaplan, posthumously, will be judged in a church court for the attempted ritual murder of the all-Russian autocrat.
B). To restore the barbarically destroyed swimming pool "Moscow". The Cathedral of Christ the Saviour is to be erected at the Water Stadium.
C). To repaint the Kremlin from its redbrick colour, to white, blue and red.
4. Monumental Counter-propaganda
A). To erect, in the centre of the Kremlin a multifigure composition a la Laocoon, "Yeltsin, Shakhrai and Burbulis Break the Constitutional Shackles" devoted to the events of September-October 1993
B). To put, on Red Square, a winged bust of Mathias Rust as a symbol of recognition of his service in the fight of Russians against the All-Union Occupation
C). To put, on Free-Russia Square, in front of the White House, a monument called "President Boris Yeltsin I- the Democratiser on a Tank"
D). A Monument to Victory on Poklonnaya Mountain, to crown a statue of President Reagan, in a pose like St. George, trampling on the heathen idol- God Nik
5. The State Ideology
A). To forbid all fascist symbols- except for the tri-colour of General Vlasov and "The Stars of the Virgin" of Corporal Barkashov. To write a corresponding law blaming the Antifascist Centre of the older Lieutenant Proshechkin
B). To consider the communism of the CPRF as national by form and Orthodox in meaning. To appoint Gennady Ziuganov uberprosecutor of the Sacred Synod
6. Ecology
A). To recognize the banker Gusinskii as a rare kind and entered into the Red Book. To Appoint General Korzhakov the Minister of Ecology.
7. Astrology
To be united with Orthodoxy and be considered the state religion. Sociology and Chiromancy are to be forbidden as totalitarian sects.
8. Astronomy
A). To award the constellation Cygnus the rank of general and declare it a Zodiac sign.
B) To consider the Zodiac constellations of General Cygnus, Cancer and the Pike the Congress of Russian Communities
C). To rename the star "Alpha Centauri," as "Omega," for un-professionalism shown in Budennovsk
9. Internal Policy
To present President Yeltsin, Prime Minister Chernomyrdin and the terrorist Basayev with the State Prize of Peace. The means to pay for the prize are to be found by an increase in tax added to prices in Chechnya and Budennovsk
10. Foreign Policy
To forbid the passage of icebergs through Russian territorial waters
By one last throw to the south to return the people of the Alazan valley and the city of Agdam, to hold a competition to decide who should be sent by the last train car to the north.
To leave the Commonwealth of Independent States and enter the Organization of American States as a banana superpower
To form a united subtropical space from Russia, to California and the states of Northern Africa
To pressure the Ukraine so that it excludes from its criminal codes the article "shakhraistvo".
11. Trade
To organize the regular import into Russia of excess temperatures from the nations of Central Asia and other warm countries close to the border.
12. State Holidays
To recognize the 28th of September as the 'Day of the Miraculous Rescue of Boris Yeltsin from the Waters of an Unknown River' (with a bag on his head) as a national holiday and a day off. Annually, to spend this day in a ceremony of Yeltsining - the bathing of the constitution, the speaker of the State Duma and the head of the President's administration under bags of Vietnam rice in the fountain near the movie theatre "Russia." To require the mayor of Moscow to "yeltsin" in an ice hole each New Years Eve.
To rename the Night of Independence (June 12) the 'Day of Liberation from the Crimean Yoke'
13. Step by step Constitutional Reform
To bring in to action the 2nd Constitution of Kudryavtsev, based on the principle of the division of power in seasons: the nationally elected president, in accordance with these principles, immediately disperses parliament, then the newly elected parliament, after the expiration of a specific term, automatically impeaches the president, and so on, forever.
To add a constitutional amendment, "The Right of Town Governor." It will be the unalienable right of the town governor to permit residence.
To introduce to the constitution the clause "presidential candidate's Yeltsinocity Index." To measure the Yeltsinocity of a candidate, by degrees (Celsius), which is the number of promises taken back (in a year). Candidates for President with a zero or a minus index of Yeltsinocity are not permitted in the elections.
14. Finances
To rename the rouble the 'voucher.' On the one million-voucher denomination the artist Glazunov will paint the picture, "Privatiser Chubais, by the wave of a magic wand turns the voucher into two 'Volgas.'"
15. Military Reform
To rename all oak groves to cypress groves. The best cypress of Russia will be Pavel Grachev.
16. Agrarian Reform and Foodstuffs
To transform the Ministry of Agriculture into the Joint Stock Company "Precepts of Ilyich"
To make the Komi-Permyatskii autonomous region the centre of Russian banana production
To appoint bananas and lemons the state grass. To put a banana in the claw of the two headed eagle
To oblige Zhirinovskii and Nemtsov to drink two litres of orange juice (entrusted with pouring the juice will be Liubimov)
To forbid the teenager Savenko from using the surname Limonov
The movement subtropical Russia triumphantly declares, "A Banana Republic must grow Bananas!"
The Leader of The 'Subtropical Russia' Movement
Vladimir Pribylovsky
the Night Guard
August, 12th, 1995, Moscow